Caring Too Much

            Let’s face it, sometimes we professional caregivers let others get the best of us. We set opening and closing times for our businesses and then find ourselves bending those rules to accommodate parent schedules. We implement payment policies and then we allow families who are going through a tough patch to run up large bills. We permit staff to do things we would prefer they didn’t because tolerating their shortcomings seems easier to deal with than replacing them. We politely listen (and yearn for some solitude) as the last parent of a hectic day spills the trials and tribulations of their life on our playroom floor. We tolerate a child’s inappropriate behaviors because the family needs us or we tolerate a parent’s inappropriate behaviors because the child needs us.

            The problem is not that we are bad business people or that we are gullible fools. (Although I freely admit I have been both over the years and expect that most caregivers have been.) The problem is that most people who find themselves working in child care are natural caregivers. We are the ones who nurse baby birds back to health after they fall from their nest. We are the ones who strangers share their problems with because they sense we will listen and understand. We are the ones that other people turn to when they need a favor. We are innately empathetic, giving, and compassionate. We want to take care of others and we are good at it. The problem is that these good instincts often overrule our practical sides to the point that our kindness becomes harmful to our own wellbeing.

            I know providers who have let parents run up huge debts and as a result were struggling to pay their own expenses. I know providers who work ridiculous hours to accommodate parent schedules and then want for time to care for their own families. I know providers who have become so embroiled in the emotional soap operas of their clients that they end their days emotionally drained and exhausted. I have also seen committed and educated, confident and competent, dedicated and loving providers leave the profession because they were burnt out and could no longer bring themselves to deal with all these things.  They gave and gave, gave some more, gave a little more, then some more, then more, until they could no longer keep it up, choosing to leave the profession entirely.

            For long term success in the profession of early childhood providers must learn to find a healthy balance between meeting the needs of their clients and meeting their own needs. We have to care--honestly and deeply—about our clients, but we can’t allow ourselves to care too much. For our own health and happiness, we must be able to separate ourselves from our work.

            It’s all about balance. If we do not care enough, we risk providing an inferior quality of care. Too much emotional distance from children and families will not allow us to create the close bonds that are a vital part of our job. Children need a tight emotional bond with their caregiver for optimal development and parents need that closeness as well because it allows them to trust us and feel comfortable with their choice in child care. If we care too much, we will undoubtedly begin to feel the emotional stress and strain that comes from overspending our emotional capital. We will end up emotionally and physically (and maybe financially) drained.

            I know there are providers reading this who feel they are somehow immune to the stress and burnout that can come from caregiving. I used to be one of those people--until I burnt out and quit a job I had loved for 16 years. I now understand that we are all susceptible unless we actively work to keep life and work in balance. Here are some suggestions for finding that balance:

• Make time for yourself to do things you enjoy. Regular time for reading, gardening, manicures, exercising, and other activities you like will help recharge your emotional batteries and improve your outlook. You will be better able to care for others when you make time to care for yourself.

• Get involved with a professional association or support group. Contact with other people who do what you do and understand the intricacies of the job will be refreshing. Having the support of your peers also gives you someplace to turn when you are struggling as well as a place to share you unique strengths and skills.

• Develop and implement program policies that support your health and wellbeing. By refining your programs policies and regulations you can do a lot to make it a happier and healthier workplace.

• Look inside your own head. The more we understand who we are and what we want out of life the more apt we are to make healthy decisions in and out of work. Knowing who you are and understanding your unique needs will help you make smarter choices.

There is no simple answer. Making changes in your life to improve the balance between work and life will take time and effort. It will probably not be easy. You will need to dedicate yourself to the task and make taking care of your self a new habit. Remember, you’re worth the effort.