Emotional Environments

Earlier this year in Baltimore I presented a new keynote on the importance of building inviting, honest, open, and positive emotional environments in which children can grow and learn. One theme of this presentation is that quality early learning is more dependent on nurturing strong emotional ties than on the physicality of the child care setting.  The toys, furnishings, wall colors, flooring, shelving, lighting, and every other little bit or piece that makes up the physical environment are important, but the heart of an early learning program is the emotional interaction of the people in that environment. The psychic energy of the children, the caregiver, and all the others who enter a given program create that program’s emotional environment.

I’ve visited programs where the stress and tension between staff members dripped from the walls. I’ve seen one negative two minute exchange between a parent and a provider impact the way that provider functions with children for the next 10 hours. I’ve seen children who are stuck in their parents complicated lives withdrawal and wither with stress and anxiety. I’ve also seen those same children bloom with the kind words of a focused caregiver. We can’t escape it; early learning is all about emotional relationships.

To begin my keynote in Baltimore, I rattled off some questions to give me a sense of the audience. Their response to a few of those questions was very telling. I asked, “How many of you have been thanked by a parent in the last month?” A few arms waived and I heard a few cheers. I asked, “How many of you feel like you are respected as professionals? Again, the response was a few waving arms and a few cheers. I asked, “How many of you are happy with your pay and benefits?” The room erupted with booing and negative energy. Then I changed direction and asked, “How many of you love your jobs?” This question was met with a deafening wave of positive cheers. I followed up with “How many of you feel that what you do is more than a job? How many of you feel it is your calling?” There was thunderous applause and cheering. The response was not as strong as for the previous questions, but I was surprised to hear that so many individuals in this group felt called upon to care for children.

These wonderful, unappreciated, under paid, disrespected providers who ventured out the morning after an ice storm to attend this conference are representative of caregivers I’ve meet all across the country. They are not getting rich, but they are richly rewarded on an emotional and even spiritual level. They go through their days without much admiration and respect from the outside world, but they feel the children they care for bathe them in love and high regard. I’ve met many providers who feel the financial sacrifices they make to work in child care are worth the intrinsic benefits they gain from the job. One woman in Baltimore told me after the conference “my work feeds my soul” and that it was her “purpose on earth” to care for children. She went on to explain that after many years as a provider, she still “bounced out of bed” in the morning eager to start her day.

My first thought after this conversation was what lucky children she cares for. Spending time with a caregiver with such passion and energy is a blessing every child should have.

Then my thoughts turned to the realities of caregiving. Some research shows that over 30% of providers leave the field in any given year. Providers report pay, benefits, coworkers, stress, and burnout as some of the reasons for leaving the profession. Creating a strong and healthy emotional environment for young children is challenging, even if you feel it is your purpose to do so. Doing it on a daily basis is down right difficult. Most providers I’ve talked to spend so much time caring for other people that they don’t make time to care for themselves. They fail to realize that their personal emotional health is what allows them to care for the people around them. They give and give and give until they are run down, worn out, depleted, empty, exhausted, and unable to smile at the children any more.

Many wonderful providers get to this point and they leave the profession for careers that are less emotionally demanding. Many others keep working with children, hoping their stress and burnout will just go away on its own one day. They are jaded, short tempered, and unhappy. The children in their care feed off this negative energy. The quality of care they provide plummets with their energy levels and love of the job.

Finding the energy and mindset needed to continually build strong emotional environments for children, is not easy. If you simply wait for it to happen, thinking stress and burnout will go away on their own, you’ll wait a very long time. It takes ample commitment and perseverance to focus your mind and make thoughtful decisions. You need to find time to care for your self, time to re-charge your mind, time to renew and refresh your soul. The only person capable of finding your smile when you lose it is you, but here are a few suggestions that may be of help:

• Breathe. It sounds simple, but most people don’t pay much attention to their breathing. Whenever you think of it during your day, take five or ten long, slow, deep breaths. In through you nose, out through your mouth. Take a moment and do it right now. Feel more relaxed? Most people do.

• Make time for yourself. If you’re like most caregivers, you spend the vast majority of your time taking care of other people. To keep your head in the right place, you must find time for yourself every day. Make time to walk, read, listen to music, cuddle with your sweetie-pie, meditate, pray, buy some shoes, or anything else that helps your clear the muck out of your head.

• Learn to say no. Providers get asked to do lots of things because we are good at doing lots of things. We also like to make people happy, we feel obligated to care for the world, we are socialized to be compliant, and we find it is often easier to say yes than no. Because of this, we end up taking on too much. Learning to say no will not only reduce your stress, it will allow more time for the things you really want to say yes to--and more time to say yes to caring for yourself.

• Know you’re not alone. A lot of providers feel completely alone when the emotional and physical challenges of the profession begin to weigh on them. If you’re not a member of a local provider support group, NAFCC, RNI, or the NAEYC, you should be. One of the best ways to deal with stress and burnout is to be in contact with people who have been there. Membership in the professional organizations mentioned above connects you to other professionals and all kinds of great ideas, experience, and knowledge.

Making time for yourself is not selfish; it is an investment in your wellbeing and the wellbeing of the children you care for. Make the investment.