Give Parents a Break

Over the last few years, I’ve heard repeatedly from early care and education professionals across the country that parents are one of the biggest causes of caregiver stress. I regularly hear that parents do not pay their bills on time; I hear that they do not “get it” when it comes to rearing their children; I hear they are disrespectful, I hear they do not really care about their children; I hear they are unappreciative; I hear they take their caregiver for granted; I hear they are more concerned with their jobs and their stuff than they are with their children; and I hear specifics that are much, much worse.

I think most caregivers need to step back a bit and give parents a break.

You see, we do not always see them at their best. We see them at the mercy of their hectic schedules. We see them rushing to work in the morning or at the end of the day when they are tired, stressed, and beaten by the day. We see them struggling to leave their infants, flummoxed by their fitful toddlers, puzzled by their preschoolers erratic sleep habits, or vexed by their school-agers recent spelling test performance. We see them overwhelmed by their jobs, their class schedules, their personal lives, their finances, their car troubles, their sick cat, their aching backs, or all of the above.

What’s more, we are not always at our best when we see them. Drop-off and pick-up time, those tough transition periods that bookend our days, are often hurried times when no one is operating at their best. Because of multiple comings and goings, we are frequently unable to give each parent the attention they may want and need. We are unable to invest the time needed for good communication, empathy, and emotional connection. On top of all this, there is also a chance that we are tired, tense, lethargic, anxious, or agitated by the stress of our work or personal lives.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had the displeasure of working with some truly horrible parents. Parents who did not deserve the wonderful children they were blessed with and who were not doing right by those children. I understand there are bad parents out there.

The parents I want you to give a break to are the average Mommies and Daddies; the parents who are struggling to make it through the day just like you; the parents who want the best for their child but are unsure what “the best” looks like; the parents who, like all of us, are too often overburdened with the rush of life. Parents doing the best they can for their children with the resources available to them.

It would be wrong of me to suggest you give parents a break without offering some helpful suggestions:

• Be mindful of your feelings. Know how you allow your feelings to influence your reactions to the parents with which you work.

• Avoid getting on their emotional rollercoaster. Don’t allow the feelings and emotions parents share to overwhelm you. Empathy is part of our job, but internalizing the emotions of others is harmful.

• Control your stress. Our stress has influence over our reaction to other people and their reaction to us. Keeping your stress in check will affect everyone you meet in a positive way.

• Let go of the little stuff. Sometimes we let one little comment, expression, or perceived slight ruin our whole day. Letting go of these things—not allowing them to clutter our minds and control our days—makes our lives less stressful.

• ·Remember who is in control. You may not be able to control the people you come in contact with, but you are always in control of your reaction to them.

• Offer the benefit of the doubt. Always assume that parents are acting with good intentions and the best interest of their families.

• Know you do not know it all. Our limited contact with parents is usually not enough for us to know what is really happening in their lives. Realize you only see a small snapshot of who they are during a hurried part of the day.

• Be available to support them—as much as you are able. Know your limits. Make sure they know that you have limits. Know when to say NO…and then be strong enough to say it.

If you have children of your own or if you have ever been a child, you can imagine how stressful and challenging the job is. Most parents are working hard to make good choices, provide proper guidance, create nurturing environments, be positive role models and do all the things good parents do for their children. Give them a break—and remember that no matter how bad you might think they are, they were smart enough to choose you as their child’s caregiver.