Over The Dark Edge

My experience is that we don’t talk about this topic much in the early childhood profession—at least not openly in large groups. It’s whispered about and gossiped about, we feel bad when it happens in our communities, we know it happens, and we also know it could never happen to us. Here are a few examples:

It’s a hot summer day and a harried mother forgets to drop her three-year-old son off at child care. The child dies as the heat builds inside the car.
A young and inexperienced father left alone with his infant daughter can’t get her to stop screaming. His frustration takes over and he holds a pillow over her face to quiet her.
A pre-school teacher starts smoking weed on her lunch break a few times a week. She says it helps her relax and “takes the edge off”.
A stressed out and aggravated family child care provider snaps. Shakes a toddler until her brain bounces back and forth in her skull.
A center director has a few too many drinks before picking up a van full of school age children from school.
A foster parent decides the best way to handle a troubled child is to lock that child in a large pet carrier so the child does not harm herself or the other children.

It is easy to dismiss the people who do these things as bad, evil people who intentionally set out to harm children, but that is probably far from the truth. The fact is that sometimes good, dedicated, loving, kind, gentle caregivers who you would never imagine doing such things are driven over the edge, acting in ways that physically or emotionally harm children. Something may “snap” and a child is physically harmed in an uncontrollable moment of tragedy. The frantic pace we often find ourselves living at can overwhelm us and lead us to make bad decisions and potentially tragic mistakes. Other times the need to get away from stress leads people to escape activities meant to “take the edge off”. This escape may work for a while, but over time these activities can turn into addictions to things like drugs, gambling, or alcohol which may put children at risk.

We do not talk about it, but I think most parents and caregivers have been to the dark edge at least once.

I’ve been there:

When I was a frazzled and stressed out new daddy I forgot my son in the car while I ran into a store. The fact that he was with me completely slipped my mind until I returned to the car. Luckily, it was a cool evening and I was back in less than 20 minutes. Different circumstances could have been tragic.
There were times when both my children were under five when their fussing drove me to the dark edge. I remember throwing a baby bottle out the window as we zipped down the interstate on a family trip. If I would have had the kid in my hands, I do not know what would have happened. Luckily, for everyone their mother was available at these times to act as a release valve. I was able to mentally walk away from the situations and regain control. Not everyone has a release valve--or the presence of mind to know they need one.
In my 20 plus years working with other people’s children there have been times when troubled teenagers threatening to shoot me in the back or smash my car windows or crying infants who strike a particular note that makes my skin crawl have brought me close to the dark edge.

This stuff is not easy for me to admit to the world, but if I can put my experiences out there, it might be easier for you to think about times you’ve approached your own dark edge and how you can keep from going over that edge in the future.

When you see the dark edge approaching, you do not need to make a 180 degree turn; you do not need to go from blowing fire and shooting lightning from your eyes to burping rainbows and dancing a happy jig. You just need to stop moving toward that edge or turn enough so that you do not go over it. Here are some tips:

Walk away. Put some physical space between you and the child or situation that has brought you to your dark edge. Count to ten, take a few deep breathes, leave the room, do whatever you need to do to separate yourself from that edge. Also, make sure you make time in your life to recharge yourself—take a day off, invest some time in yourself, meet your own needs.
Have a support system. Have someone you can talk openly to about this topic. Have someone you can call when you are having one of those days where you see your dark edge approaching.
Know where your dark edge is. Spend some time in your own head and know what brings you to your edge. Knowing where the dark edge is will help you avoid it.
Seek help. If you feel like you can’t control yourself know that it is OK to seek professional help in dealing with your situation. Admitting you need help shows strength, not weakness.
Be available to support those near to you who may be approaching their own dark edge.

The Dark Edge needs to be a topic that caregivers and parents talk about openly. Removing the taboo surrounding this topic will go a long way in helping those who near their dark edge avoid going over it. We are all human and do not need to be superhuman, but we do need to know ourselves, know what gets under our skin, and know that it is OK to ask for help if we need it.