Self-Care Inventions

Caring for yourself can be daunting. You get so busy taking care of everyone else that you forget to care for yourself, you feel guilty taking care of yourself when that time could be spent caring for someone else, and you just don’t feel like there is enough time in the day to carve out 10 minutes just for you. Well, the staff at Explorations Early Learning has been working on a few inventions to help you on your quest for a balanced and fulfilling life. Here is a peek at some of those products:

Decisionometer

It is harder for most people to make a decision than it is for them to live with the decision once made. They fret, fidget, fuss, flip, flop, fiddle, and bubble over decisions. They second, triple, and quadruple guess themselves; put even simple decisions off until the last minute. The fact is, most decisions are not worth of this much attention.

The deceptively simple looking Decisionometer can help. It resembles a standard issue US quarter. It is, in fact, outwardly identical to a quarter. Just toss it in the air to activate its decision making microprocessor. While it is falling, state the pending decision in the form of a yes or no question. The Decisionometer will make your decision for you when it hits the floor: Heads equals yes, Tails equals no. Decision made, now you can move on with your life and use all the time you would have spent floundering, worrying, and stewing about the decision to do something nice for yourself. The Decisionometer will retail for $19.95 and is worth every penny.

The DoOver

We’ve all been there before. A friend asks your opinion about whether a new boyfriend is as good as he seems and you tell her what you really think. Asked to coach a team of three and four year old soccer players because you are known to be “good with kids”, you inadvertently end up agreeing before you have a chance to make up an acceptable lie. You carelessly gobble a whole quart of Chunky Chocolate Brownie Swirl Ice-Cream after work instead of taking the long walk you had been planning on all day. These things happen.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could go back and do these things over, making different decisions? Well, now you can.

The DoOver is like a DVR for your life. Pushing the rewind button allows you to go back in time up to 24 hours to make better choices. You can also:

• Fast forward through traffic or conversations with that annoying friend you don’t want to be friends with anymore. 

• Push Pause to catch your breath during stressful moments.

• Choose Slow Motion to make special moments last longer.

• Replay events because they were so enjoyable or to make sure your goofy cousin Lenny said what you thought he said before you react.

The DoOver will be available in three fashionable styles by the end of 2010 and is expected to retail for $329.95.

Manslator

The Manslator is a simple device. It looks like a standard digital music player, but what it really does is record, process, and translate all the monosyllabic grunt of man-speak into the complete sentences using the polysyllabic language women love. This wonderful machine will translate “Humph” into “Honey I love you, but it’s been a long day and I don’t really want to talk about my inner feelings. All I want to do is sit in front of the flat screen and decompress.” It will translate “beer?” into “I know you’re busy and I hate to impose, but if you happen to walk by the refrigerator will you bring me a beer, some chips, and maybe some of those wonderful cookies you made last night?” It will translate “Want some?” into “Damn you’re beautiful! You’re just as sexy as the day I met you. I love you so much even though I’m not so good at saying it sometimes. Let’s make hot wild monkey love as soon as Tiger makes this putt.”

That’s right, with the Manslator you will realize most mean really do only think about TV, food, and sex, but you’ll be able to understand the underlying depth of their simple utterances. The Manslator is currently being field-tested in communities across the country and is scheduled for release by next year.

Cloak of Tranquility

When you picture the Cloak of Tranquility, picture Harry Potter’s Cloak of Invisibility with a few added features. Not only does this cloak make you invisible, it snuggles up against you and helps you relax.  It does so with a variety of techniques: aromatherapy, three types of massage, acupuncture, guided imagery, and white noise. Not only do you become invisible to the world, you are wrapped in a cozy cocoon of relaxation programmed to calm and sooth your tattered nerves.

The Deluxe Cloak of Tranquility comes with a tranquility timer that will buzz after a preselected time period to remind you that there is an outside world that needs you. It also has a reading light so you can catch up on your reading and a mini refrigerator/freezer for snacks. The Cloak of Tranquility is now available in a variety of fabrics. Dry clean only.

YouTunes

Ever wish your life came equipped with a soundtrack; one that depicted your thoughts and feelings as you moved through your day, let others know what to expect when they encountered you, and filled you with courage or calm when needed? Well, for a monthly subscription of just $9.95 you can subscribe to YouTunes and receive music to live by. The perfect song for every situation will automatically fill your environment as soon as our neural implants and environmental sensors detect your musical needs. In the olden days, YouTunes was basically a really empathetic guy following you around holding a large boombox over his head. He adjusted  the volume as needed and stopped to change the cassette tape when he sensed a change in your musical needs. Now, thanks to digital media and nanotechnology, we are able to see what you are thinking and provide the needed background music through a series of hovering speakers made invisible with the same technology used in the Cloak of Tranquility.

Order now and we will throw in 1,500 top rated cartoon sound effects—they will make you love slipping on banana peels and falling off cliffs while holding anvils.

Balance-O-Matic

Life gets busy, leaving us feeling flustered and out of balance. Here comes the Balance-O-Matic  to the rescue. With a simple same-day surgery to implant microscopic emotional gyroscopes in each of your inner ears and a micro processer relay on the surface of your

cerebral cortex we can effectively create an emotional early warning system that will signal you when your life is slipping out of balance. The deluxe package also includes the implantation of a neural shock system that delivers a small electrical jolt if you fail to take balance-restoring action in a reasonable amount of time, literally shocking you into caring for your self.

The Balance-O-Matic helps restore a healthy balance between your work life and non-work life, reducing stress, relieving anxiety, and realigning focus.

Personal GPS

Our Personal GPS (Goal Positioning System) helps you stay focused on achieving your personal goals. Hectic lives blow too many people off course and away from the achievement of their goals. The hand held Personal Goal Positioning System lets you know with a glance at its touch screen where you are in relation to a variety of your long and short term goals. It’s soothing audio directions will even help guide you toward goals you may feel are unreachable.

The system relies on our Emotional Positioning System, a series of high orbit satellites designed to track your emotional state, as well as neural sensors that transmit your goals and intentions to our central computer bank (located in a high security bunker off I-70 in central Missouri. With this system, you will never wake up in the middle of the night wondering how you got so far off track from your dreams again.